Hey Stepmamas!  Happy New Year!  I hope you all survived blended family holiday madness.  We scraped by with a bit of fun, lots of cookies, and plenty of family time.

It's been an interesting stretch. And I've noticed lots of moments I wanted to write about here.  Buttercup is about to turn 14, in a few weeks, and is ever the teenage princess.  I believe there is a new boy on the horizon, but talking about him is the last thing in the world Buttercup wants to do.  She is reclusive and silent most of the time, unless we press her for details about her life.  When she does join us for an activity, she is constantly texting other people and ignoring us.  She is ever a sweet girl, but still... Sigh... 

I've had quite a lot more dealings with Mrs. Weasley these past months.  There was daily carpooling to negotiate in Dec with three other families, including voldemort and Pettigrew, with 4 kids to manage getting back and forth to school play rehearsals and performances.  I appreciate Mrs. Weasley's good communication and thoughtfulness.  But I noticed something that I never considered before.  Mrs. Weasley would drive the kids, including her son George, to or from the event, even on days when George was at his dad's (Pettigrew's) house.  This is something voldemort always trying to do- be the chauffeur and get that extra few minutes with Buttercup, when it is our day.  We have always looked down on this, based on the fact that voldemort and we have never had a positive, reciprocal, easy relationship.  We were constantly trying to draw boundaries, while she seemed to be constantly infringing on our time.

But now I see that Mrs. Weasley does this too.  And voldy and Pettigrew accept it, happily.  This is their norm.  I think it is mostly a deference to "the mother" and her wishes.  Because they all seem to believe the truth that being mother trumps all.  So if Mrs. Weasley wants to drive her son somewhere on a day she is not normally with him, they must defer to her. 

This was what voldemort tried to instill in me, years ago.  She tried to explain that I should be like she is with Mrs. Weasley.  I should defer to anything and everything voldemort wants because of who she is.  And I did not go along with that.  Much to everyone's dismay.

It was truly an AHA moment. Their way of being is simply different from ours.  And it is unfortunate that the two ways have been so rough on each other.

The day after I wrote that last post there, I was feeling pretty free, and the King suggested we plan a holiday dinner out with the entire blended family!  Voldy, Pettigrew, Mrs. Weasley, us, all the kids.  Kind of a peace meal.  A let's move forward meal.  I was astounded.  That he would want to do that.  And then that I AGREED!  I agreed and even offered to try to plan it.  It felt like it was something we could positively do.  For the kids.  For peace.  Well, he didn't want me to rush into any planning, and time slipped by and he never planned it, so it never happened.  Which turns out is just fine.  But can you imagine that we would even consider wanting to do such a thing?  It was crazy.

It's been an interesting month since I have written here.  There are endless stories and comments and blended family dynamics to explore.  There will be forever I presume. I struggle a lot, still, with being a stepmother, working hard for a kid who's mother dislikes me (cuz I won't defer to her), living in a small house, and watching Buttercup grow into a teen I cannot relate very much to.   But I have to admit, not feeling the pressure to sit and write about it all has been a relief.  I am writing about other stuff, taking on new projects, and working hard at other things.

I write, as many do, to understand, to explore something that touches me, to find comfort or safety in figuring something out for myself.  I have to write or I will go insane I think.  And I have written deeply, openly, regularly and honestly about stepparenting for 4 years.  I certainly don't have it figured out, but I do think I figured out how to be ok with it. For now. 

It's funny, because at the same time, a tiny corner of me is still compelled to keep exploring this huge part of my life.  Especially with all of you kind readers.  But I think I am done here for now.  The journey of this is complete.  I plan to keep reading your stories and blogs, stop by stepchicks when I get the chance, and keep being the best stepparent I can be.  I want to again thank you all for following and supporting me through this time. 

I welcome you to drop me a note and come read my new blog, where we can finally meet face to face, stepmama to stepmama.  There I write just as deeply and openly, but not just about stepparenting.  About being a mom, a woman, a writer finding my way on yet another journey.

Peace,
Dragonflymama

When I first discovered the stepmom bloggy internet world, many years ago, I stumbled across No One's the Bitch blog, written by Jennifer and Carol.  They were mom and stepmom (still are) and had somehow maneuvered past all the competition crap to find a way to peacefully parent children they both loved, and who lived in both of their houses.  They were like goddesses to me, and while I dreamed and hoped and longed for the day when my stepkid's biomom and I would come together in understanding and love for Buttercup, I was not sure it could happen. Yet, I held out hope.  For years.

Eventually, I had gone through enough suffering, enough pain, and enough fighting that I realized holding out hope for voldemort to come around to accepting me was like waiting for the dodo bird to come back from extinction.  It wasn't gonna happen.  Hope died, and thus began a dark time of disengagement and bitterness. It was about then that I also began to boycott No One's the Bitch.  It felt so unfair that they could work things out, and I got stuck with a crappy BM who would not even speak to me. They preached of kindness, and good listening, and working to do what was truly in the best interests of the children.  Maybe neither of them was a bitch, but voldemort sure was.

But it's been some time since I have felt the sting of that bitterness.  And when it does bite, it just doesn't hold on like it once did.  I have written a few posts to this end lately, and I guess it seems that those dark clouds are lifting, a little bit each day. 

I find myself in a whole new phase of this stepparenting gig. A phase where neither co-parenting nor the schedule is not ideal, and that is ok.  One where the King and I are much more on the same page than off. And one that is perhaps allowing Buttercup a little more space to grow and stretch her wings as she turns into a lovely young woman.

Last week I wrote out a schedule proposal for the coming month of holidays and school breaks.  The King agreed with it, and we dropped it in the mail to voldemort.  Sunday, when the King picked Buttercup up at 9 am on the dot, she was ready and waiting to go with her things, and the King got an additional pleasant surprise.  Voldemort told him that the schedule that he had sent over was precisely what she would have written and she accepted it fully. 

I laughed when he told me this.  Has voldemort finally arrived on the same plane of sanity as the rest of us?  I am not sure I would say that. But I would say that I was greatly encouraged at the simplicity of this year's exchange about scheduling.  And I thought that even if voldemort had disputed, or wanted to change something about it, it would not have driven me crazy like it once did.

It will never be perfect.  Heck, I seriously doubt it will ever be a "good" mom-stepmom relationship. And the innocence inside me still wishes that my stepdaughter's mother and I could join forces for the raising of this child in sweet goodness and powerful love.  Maybe someday.

For ages I had this posted to the side of my blog:

Dragonfly nymphs grow for nearly two years on the bottom of a body of water, then as they reach adulthood they take to the air in a magical transformation which allows them to travel on the winds and into the light. In the air, with their wings reflecting spectacular colors, they can maneuver unlike any other creature of flight, up, down, backwards, even change directions instantly and turn to follow their lives on the wind.

I don't always know how to be patient helping to raise someone else's child, or how to be compassionate towards a woman who doesn't want me to parent this child, or how to be understanding to a hubby who has been through so much pain, or how to be kind to myself. 

As I struggle with my own life role as a stepmother in our little pond of the world, Dragonfly reminds me that life can bend and shift in ways that I may not expect, but it is these essences of growth, transformation, movement, and reflection, that suggest looking around things as they are, and seeing things as they could be.

It turns out that even if someone else is a bitch, I don't have to be. It turns out that a stepmom can find peace in another way, along another path, within her own cocoon.  It turns out that after all these years under the surface of the pond, living the life of a nymph, waiting, changing, I have finally emerged.  The magical metamorphosis of this stepmama has finally happened, and I am taking to the sky. 



I am taking the rest of this month off from writing Stepmama Metamorphoses to reassess the need for and direction of this blog.  I am unbelievably grateful for all of you who have come here, stopped by to read, commented, and offered love, friendship and support through the past 3+ years.  I never dreamed I would have so many people wanting to read my words. You are an incredibly group of parents doing good in the world- keep doing it!  I may return come the new year, but we will see. This blog has held it's ground and purpose for so long- the journey here might be complete. I finally feel like I can stretch my own wings, and I want to see just how far the wind takes me.

One day this week I stopped over to my mom's house and brought her a half gallon of milk she had requested. I was already at the store, and it cost all of 1.98$ or something.  When I got to my mom's house, she started digging into her purse to find her wallet.  I insisted she stop, it was 2 bucks, she hardly needed to pay me back for that.  She always tries to insist on silly things like this, but I try not to let her.  My mother does so much for my family how can she think she owes me 2 bucks for milk?

I was telling the King and Buttercup about this at dinner, and they both started going on about how we all probably owe our parents thousands, for all they do and have done for us. Parents spend uncountable dollars raising their children, not to mention all the emotional, mental, and phsychological work we put out for our kids. The King and Buttercup agreed that in the end, kids end up owing their parents.  Maybe that's why we feel obligated to take care of them when they are old. 

I agreed, but I also offered the idea that noone asks to be born.  And just because a kid has a loving, devoted, or financially well endowed parent does not mean the kid should feel guilty.  Or grow up feeling indebted to parents who shower them with money or love. People who chose to have babies, do it for generally selfish reasons; they want to create love, family, connection. People don't have kids because they like the idea of spending inordinant amounts of money, or want to make babies to send off to make the world a better place. In a sense kids do not owe their parents a thing, it is we parents who should be grateful that our children put up with us. Maybe that is why we feel obligated to take care of them when they are young.

Obviously, the situation goes both ways, and a thoughtful balance is best to be achieved for all. Nobody owes anybody anything, we are all just in it together, helping each other out. 

I got to thinking about this later though, and began to wonder where we stepparents fit in.  As a stepparent, we don't choose to have the babies in the first place.  Most of us didn't choose to parent, we fell in love, and the parenting came as a bonus round.  We do take care of children who aren't ours, so does that mean stepkids in fact owe stepparents something because of all we do for them?  It might seem as such, based on my earlier model. 

But I went another step further. If I stay in that place that says I am owed something because of the hard knocks blended family life has brought me, then I am a victim.  Then I have no power and no control, and I may never get paid back enough for all the work I have done.  The reality is that I DID make a choice, and I continue to make it each day. I am choosing love, family, and connection for both my biological child and my stepchild. And nobody owes me for that.

Someday I hope Buttercup and Peanut stop by my house to deliver a half gallon of milk and refuse to let me pay for it. Not because they feel like they owe me for all my parenting work, but because they realize that we each owe each other for all the good and all the bad of our family life together. We created it over time, in all the choices we made together.  

And that is worth something.

I am having a most interesting experience.  And I wonder what I am supposed to do with this.
The background...
The King runs his own business. He started many years ago with one partner- we'll call her K.  She and the King have struggled, and worked hard, added three other lesser partners, and built their contracting business up from the ground.  They do green building and eco friendly construction, and the business has been full up and extremely busy for some time. But the challenge of bringing in future work is always there, and has generally always been handled by the King.  

I am not involved in the business much, other than occasional finishing work, stopping by with doughnuts or coffee, and moral support. While K and her husband are very nice people, we do not socialize with them.  They don't have kids, and are very different from us in some ways.  K is nice, but not overly friendly, social, and generous.  Being the only woman in the business she has less confidence than the men, and fully admits it.  Whether it's the man/woman thing, or just different personalities, the King and K have had plenty of conflicts over the years, big and small.  But always make time to work things out.

Years ago they got a website going, with the help of a designer, but now it is very old and dated. A while back I set them up a blog, thinking they could post pictures, update their latest projects and have clients give testimonials about their good work.  The King posted for a few months, but K never showed interest in it.

Hang on, I'm getting there...

A year ago the King told me about how he and K were wanting to revamp the website and update it to keep the future work coming.  Though I am not a part of the crew, I am highly invested in my husband's work success, considering that we are dependent on the business for my family's financial success. I do not know how to write traditional HTML, but 2 or so months ago, I offered to use the site Weebly to recreate their vision for a website.  We could create a modern site, interlink it with the blog, and have a new facebook page.  While all partners who wanted to could have access and work on it together. How could it go wrong?

About 3 weeks ago, I went ahead, without asking the business partners, and took all of 5 minutes of my life to make a facebook page for my husband's business. I added the King as admin, and invited K's husband as well.  K herself is not on facebook. I then sent out invites to all our friends in the area, and suddenly people on facebook were talking about what great work these guys do and posting comments about how professional this company is.  It was a hit. 

Immediately, the King jumped on board and posted some photo's of the crew at work, and added a few notes and funny comments.  I thought it would be a boon, and a simple way for the crew to add some life into their dying internet presence.  I did not however go a step further and create a new website.

So, come to find out recently, that K has been having some feelings about the facebook page; feels left out, threatened, and concerned that I would just go ahead and do this without asking the business, meaning her. And the day after thanksgiving I got a very business like and reprimanding email, politely and coolly telling me I had overstepped my bounds. She was attempting to be thoughtful, but mostly she was simply chastising me for what I did and calmly telling me to back off. 

My reaction is one of anger, frustration, and a strange sense of eerie familiarity.

Here I thought I was doing something helpful for the man I love, for my family, for their business.  Only to have it turned around on me as a bad thing. It seems my help was not needed or wanted.  And K even expressed to the King that she thought I was trying to take over, push her out, exclude her!!  K, like dear old voldemort, felt very threatened by my action.

The King, for his part in this, has spent much too much time trying to placate K, telling her I was just trying to help, and reminding her that if she wants to be the one to work on the web presence then she had better do it. She has been talking about it for a YEAR, and done NOTHING!  He even went so far as to tell her she was being way too controlling about this.

And yet, how is making a facebook page threatening, how is loving a child threatening?  How is what I did wrong? It brings up all the exact same old feelings that I feel so wounded by with voldemort.  At the very beginning of my time with the King, all I wanted to do was love his child, be a friend to her, and make our family life together as easy as possible.  And I was destroyed for it.

I begin to wonder if I did overstep my bounds. Am I so threatening, so big and scary, trying to take away that which is rightfully someone else's?  Am I too bold, thoughtless, overzealous? How could this be so extremely similar?  Should I have stopped and considered V's needs when I began to spend time with her daughter, and how another adult loving the child would make V feel?  Should I have stopped and thought how my creation of a greater internet presence would affect K and her feelings?  Should I just not help the King, or be involved in his relationships with other women?

That little spot inside me that is innocent and helpful feels really wounded.  I do not think what I did was wrong, and yet, this big huge drama has been created from my one action. Maybe it is not  inherently wrong, but to K is was. For whatever childish, selfish, stupid reasons, she felt hurt. 

The whole thing is just so weird.