which leaves me

I'm am getting on a plane in a few hours, but have a little time this morning to tell you what is happening on the stepmama front, and ask for your consideration and advice over the weekend while I am away.

Last weekend, due to the incident about the baby blanket, and voldemort getting more of our time with Buttercup, I lost my shit with the King.  We had a huge blowout, and it seems that recent events have led the King and I to be in different places regarding how to deal with, co-parent with, and survive life with voldemort. 

Voldemort seems to have made some amends with the King, and he with her.  They have had several respectful conversations recently.  Ones where the King was actually allowed to criticize some of voldemort's parenting choices and religious control, and she was able to hear it and not get angry.  Perhaps even accept her mistakes.  It turns out the death of her baby might have opened her eyes wide to the damage that she has done to her living child AND her relationship with us.  Both she and the King seem to have come to a place of wanting to forget the past, start over, and play nice this time. 

Of course in the past 2 months, the King and I have been overly generous, accomodating, nice, helpful, and kind to voldemort and her sorry life.  She has seen this kindness as we have given up much time with Buttercup to allow their family time to grieve and heal their loss.  She has felt this kindness in our flexibility over exchanged days and in the King's offer that she not have to give us "make-up" days for all those extras we gave her.  She has experienced this kindness through my allowing her to be in my home with her sick child, and our offering of her to have the child more while she was ill.  Generally, voldemort has come out on top of the "days" game.  So as most normal people would, she feels grateful (though she has not stated such to me), and perhaps her own bad feelings from the past have subsided.  It seems she feels able to be flexible and accomodating towards us and our requests (few as they are).

The King, for his part does not want to live in a situation that is so painful, so angry, so terrible anymore.  Since our finalized court proceedings 2 years ago he has let go and healed his anger towards voldemort.  His need for legal equal time with his daughter was seen and granted by the court.  He was vindicated.  And wants to move on. 

Pettigrew too, seems to have disappeared into the background.  He does not participate in most dealings over the child.  He lost his cool a year ago, and has not wanted to be involved in co-parenting since.  He most certainly loves Buttercup and participates in her life when she is there, but it seems as if he too has turned his focus elsewhere. 

Which leaves me.  Sitting here, angry, frustrated, tired, and for whatever reason unable to forgive.  I feel victimized, ignored, walked on, and displaced.  Since day one, I have done everything in my power to help the King, to support him, to assist him in fighting voldemort in their separation agreement in court in life for equal rights in parenting his daughter.  I have followed his lead of the mood of the battle.  I also came into their family world innocent, willing, hopeful, wanting to do the right thing by the King, by Buttercup, and yes, even by voldemort as the birth mother.  And since day one I have received nothing but negativity and anger and hatred directed at me from voldemort.  I offer to discuss the child getting a hamPster, and am corrected for my spelling.  I offer to care for the child when the King is at work, and am denounced for being controlling.  I participate in the child's life and am repeatedly told that I have no legal standing in it and should bugger off. I say that I love the child am accused of telling people I am her birth mother.  I stand up for my rights and am told that I have none. 

Maybe I am not as Buddha like as the King, but I need an apology.  A big fat, huge apology for being treated so incredibly poorly.  For not being gotten to know and welcomed in to their lives.  For being discounted, used, and ignored for 5 fucking years.  For loving this sweet dear child and doing all I can to protect, help, support, and love her and being treated like a villain for doing so.  And then maybe, maybe I could consider moving on, letting go, allowing.  I guess after year after year of it being implied, suggested, overtly said, and argued vehemently that I do not count when it comes to Buttercup, it is pretty damn hard for me to believe that suddenly voldemort is accepting of and wanting me in the child's life, in the way that I want to be.  As an equal, responsible, loving PARENT to her. 

It seems we have come to a strange new place.  One that I cannot fully understand.  One where the King wants me to be flexible and kind to voldemort to preserve the peace for his sake.  One that years ago I held out hope for, but voldemort's evilness towards me has erased a chance of. 

It is with this confusion and heaviness that I head to the airport with Peanut to get on a plane to visit my family and celebrate the life of my aunt.  It is a time full of sadness.

my aunt

My aunt died last night.  Cancer won this one.  I haven't seen my aunt in three years, or more really.  She was a dear sweet woman.  So loving and giving.  While she wasn't in my daily life, she, and my other extended family are always safely there in the back of my mind, out there living their lives in the world.  It doesn't seem right that she is not in this world anymore.  While her leaving this realm will not leave me crippled by loss the way it will leave a gaping hole of emptiness to her dear husband of 33 years, her son and daughter in law, just married and embarking on their lives, or her daughter, just graduated from college and taking on the world.  It leaves me missing that sense of shared family that has been encircling my life since I was born.  It leaves me missing her spirit, her love, that sense of the wonderful person that she is.  Was. 

So, I'm on my way to california for a few days.

a rotten day

Today is a rotten day.  I am brimming full with anger right now.  Many of the reasons you already know, but because I need to write and yet if I bring myself to write through it all I might explode with emotion, instead I think I will just make a list...

1- One of my aunts has cancer.  She was diagnosed with stage four liver-pancreas-ovary cancer about 3 weeks ago.  There have been many ups and downs in these weeks, and for a while there was chemo hope.  But as of yesterday evening she took a turn for the worse and it suddenly seems as if the next few days might be her last.  She lives in california, far far from where I live, and it seems that I won't be seeing her again before she goes on to her next adventure.

2- Voldemort and the King had a long conversation on sunday, about numerous Buttercup details, but in that conversation it became clear that voldemort had not known about the baby blanket that Buttercup and I were knitting.  She also did not know that her own mother had implied that Buttercup was cursing the baby by making said blanket.  Voldemort became distressed at the prospect that this was the reason why Buttercup was so sad and depressed lately, because the child was feeling responsible for the baby's death.  She and the King agreed that if they could get grandma Merope to retract her statement, that this might ease Buttercup's mind. 
I agree to this line of thinking, but of course, the time to talk through this again came out of our time.  Again.  Again.  Again.  So sunday after Hebrew school voldemort and her mother picked up Buttercup and spent 2 hours fifteen minutes at lunch discussing this blanket, the Evil Eye, and all manner of old religious habits and superstitions. 
When Buttercup returned to us later that day, she was sad, depressed and thoroughly dismayed at having caused such a fuss, hurt her grandma's feelings, and got her parents talking about her "behind her back."

3- Not in the least surprising, Buttercup went home sick from school yesterday (our day) to her mother's house.  Again.  At least this time voldemort had the courtesy to call me (at the King's prompting) and tell me where the child was.  But again today the kid is home sick.  And no such call has come.

4-The King's friend J is still here.  And while he is a nice fellow, funny, sensitive, and respectful to our scene, and actually staying out back in our separate cabin so he is not always in the house,  I am feeling the strain of another adult living with us.  Mostly in that the King is spending his free time now with J, not with me.  And there has been little chance for us to connect or catch up on our days.  It's a small subtle thing, but it is certainly adding to my stress and angry feelings.

5- If nothing else is funny in life, this one has to be.  I am utterly grossed out, annoyed, embarrassed, mortified, irritated and distressed to report that I, we, our household has pinworms.  PINWORMS!  What?!   It make my stomach churn every time I think on it.  I got us the medication to eradicate these little creatures from our bodies today, but the nastiness of it, while not beyond humor, is weighing on me.

So there you have it, the most concise run down of my symptoms.  But there is more, there is always more...

sometimes strange sometimes sweet

I just want to take a moment and thank all you friends and readers and fellow stepmoms and stepparents.  I sometimes feel like I am hit on the head with a baseball bat of reality as to how difficult this stepparenting role is for me.  For 3 years or so I was not in touch with in this internet community of support at all, and I felt so isolated and alone when the drama would come up with voldemort.  It's one thing, though a very helpful one, to spill your guts to a close friend or cry to your mom about what the ex has done now.  But it is entirely another thing to have people in similar positions offer support, understanding, and validation.  When I started writing this blog, reading other stepmama's experiences, finding stepparent forums, and reaching out to the vast community of women in this position, I slowly started feeling not quite so alone.  I am often amazed by the amount of people going through a struggle in stepparenting and blended family relations.  And while I wish for all of you who are struggling an easing of the stress, in the meantime, I am thankful that you write about your lives.  And comment on mine, and create groups and discussions and pages for others to visit and gain support from. 

So dear readers, thank you.  Thank you for being out there doing your thing, parenting your kids, loving your partners, and supporting the other stepmamas and steppapas as we all navigate the murky waters of our sometimes strange sometimes sweet family experiences.  Thank you.