the heart of the issue

No response to the letter as of today, thursday.  And honestly, I am not expecting one. I think the idea for me and the King was just to put her on notice that we are changing the rules.

And the rules are already giving me a new sense of empowerment. I always feel a little wary of putting exact emails up on the bloggy, but in this case, I just cannot paraphrase it well enough for you to get the picture. About a week ago, voldy sent the King (yes, just the King) an email that said this...

The mom of another trombone player gave me info regarding some good summer trombone teachers. I would like to set up Buttercup with some lessons over the summer. I need to know which weeks (of the ones she will be with you) when you will be out of town with her, and which weeks (if any) you will be in town, and would allow her to have a lesson. I also need to know if you are willing to share the cost of summer lessons.

I think in years past (summer before last perhaps) you scheduled her only for summer lessons on your weeks or days with her. I could do the same, but this does not seem that it would benefit her, or give her adequate exposure to lesson time.

Thanks,

voldemort

While we felt the email a bit fishy (stay tuned for more on that later), I, (yes that means me, the stepmom, the one who was not allowed previously to send voldemort emails, and who now has a list of emails I am planning to send) sent her an email response on tuesday that said this... (Of course, you know this was after the King and I had discussed how we felt about the situation)

Voldemort-
We appreciate your interest in getting Buttercup some summer trombone lessons worked out. We have been thinking about this too. In fact I have a friend who is a music teacher to grade schoolers who has offered some lesson time for Buttercup this summer. We intend to work this out with her to get a few lessons in while Buttercup is with us. If you would like to set up some other lessons with the recommendation you have gotten, feel free to do so on your time. With us both offering her some lessons, and practice time at home, of course, we feel she will get adequate trombone work in.

The Queen and King

An hour later I received this email, and it was rather a good one...

Are you saying that you want her to have 2 sets of trombone lessons, with 2 different teachers? How does this serve her? Why are you trying to further make her life less an less cohesive? Does this really benefit her? It sounds like it would confuse and potentially overwhelm her to have 2 different sets of lessons with 2 different teachers. What is the italisized "on your time" all about? Buttercup is one person, stradling 2 homes....do you really think this will serve her?

Now, there is so much I could say here, so much I could have said, so much that needs to be said. But, unbelievably calmly I wrote this response...

voldemort-
Well, Buttercup knows and feels very comfortable with my friend who is a teacher. She has spent plenty of time with her on a friend basis. I doubt very much that having her give Buttercup a few lessons in a teacher role will further divide Buttercup's already divided life. Or cause confusion. She has had numerous trombone teachers through the years. Did having her school teacher AND her jazz teacher confuse her? It seemed like both of those teachers were wonderful, though different, for her. And she has flourished from having the experience of both of them.

As for overwhelming her, we were anticipating setting up a few, perhaps a handful of lessons. Not necessarily every week, as she has camps, and vacations as well. We certainly do not want to overwhelm her with a busy summer schedule, simply give her a few chances to learn a few more things during the summer. If you plan to pay for a lesson on a given week that we happen to share, though there are only 2 or 3 of those, we would not necessarily schedule her for another lesson that same week.

The italicized on your time, was meant to simply point out that you can choose to pay for lessons on your time. As we have already begun to make plans for trombone on our time.

You may not believe it Voldy, but my goal is rather similar to what I hope is yours. Making Buttercup's life easier, and more cohesive. She is one kid, straddling two households, and that is clearly a huge challenge, for all of us. I do not think our choice, versus your choice in trombone teachers will affect her life deeply. Though I see that you might feel that way.

Would you like to get to the heart of the issue? The division? Any chance for a discussion, not on email, about that? Or would you rather continue to throw anger my direction? Because the more you do that, the more you'll get it right back. And that is what does not serve Buttercup.

The Queen

And... silence... no response. I have to admit I felt Zen about it all. A bit shocked at what I wrote, but imagining how it would be if every email from her, every call, every late arrival, every control tactic she employs, and every manipulation left me in a Zen like state of non-reaction, calm, and clarity. That would be like Buddha! I felt like I was channelling Buddha tuesday when this happened. I'm hoping to keep the channelling going, as I know this is far from over.