Yes, there was some good stuff about meeting with voldemort. But there were also plenty of reminders of the bad stuff of our co-parenting relationship. The main topic of conversation throughout the hour and 45 minutes we spent together was communication. As voldemort talked, I listened, and mostly just tried to hear her side of it. About communicating with me regarding Buttercup's life, voldemort said this...
...a year ago May, the King had said to her on the phone that he would not talk to Pettigrew any more. When the King said this, he had every right to request such communication cease. And voldemort respected his request, and she began again communicating with the King. Voldemort feels it extremely unfair that she respects the King's request, but that the King does not respect her request to not communicate with me. So I reminded her... At that time, the King had been doing most co-parenting talking and emails via Pettigrew, since he was slightly more rational and less likely to erupt into angry ranting. That was when we were finishing court proceedings and co-parenting was extremely tense, angry, and stressful. Pettigrew began to become more and more undone about it all, and more often was indeed yelling at the King. I distinctly remember sitting on the couch late one night with the King and asking ourselves why the King was even talking to Pettigrew in the first place? Voldemort had for years already continued to refuse to speak to or email me, so the King should refuse to speak to or email Pettigrew. And thus he made that request.
...voldemort repeated that she does not know me at all. And how exactly is she to know that an email coming from my email account is truly from the King as well? Should she have to take that email into a court of law, and it only has my name on it, how does that show that the King is responsible for his daughter? She assured me that I am probably a fine person, and that the King and I are probably right in sync with each other, but she needs to know that the King is making legal decisions about his daughter. And that I have no place, right, or responsibility to do so. ...So I asked her if she wanted to get to know me? And I suggested that if she got to know me, she might feel more trusting. I also suggested that she could trust that when we say that the King and I make every decision together, just because an email comes from my email account means nothing. Other than I am the parent home and with slightly more time to send emails.
...voldemort agreed how our current situation of co-parenting is just not working. She spoke for quite a while about how deeply she loves Buttercup and would do anything for her. She went on and on, and acknowledged that our bad situation is just that, bad, and the one who gets hurt the most is Buttercup. She suggested we need a "new model" for co-parenting. ...I agreed. And I reminded her that she has tried communicating with the King. The King has tried communicating with Pettigrew. Pettigrew and I have tried communicating. The ONLY combination of adults communicating that has not been tried is she and I communicating. Perhaps that would be the model that would work. And why can't she try that? She rolled her eyes to this and again refused.
...voldemort explained how "steamrolled" she had been feeling lately, about numerous issues, but particularly about communication with me. As if we were attempting to force her to communicate with me. She repeatedly used the word steamrolled. She also explained how she understood that I wanted to be the only one communicating with her, how I wanted to send all the emails, and how that would suit me. She said that maybe, if the King has so much work to do that he cannot take the time to write his ex and email regarding their daughter, then perhaps he is an unfit parent. She said that she works 100 hours a week, staying up nights and commuting for hours, and somehow she finds the time to respond to his emails. ...This was when I felt the blood rushing to my brain and breathed in slowly and calmly and stopped talking. And stopped listening. I looked away and when she finished her rant, I said ok, well, this has been nice, but I think I'd like to go home to be with my family. She stopped too, said she was sorry to upset me, but... I clarified that I did not want to send all the emails, I did not intend to be the only parent communicating, but that that was simply how it worked in our household. I'm am the parent at home. Period.
We did agree, several times, that we seemed to be in a stuck place. She suggested the compromise that she would copy me in emails she sends to the King, and I will cease and desist all communication to her, or I think she put it, "respect her request" to not communicate with me. Yeah, that's a fair trade. As always, it's about control. She wants it. She fears she is losing it. And she finally wanted to meet with me to try and convince me to "walk in her shoes" and show a little compassion for her plight. She has been feeling the heat I have been laying on her lately, and she had to take notice. Finally.
There is no way in hell I am going to respect the wishes of this woman who continues to refuse to respect me. And who continues to refuse basic communication. If what it takes to get her to talk to me is pressure, steamrolling, forcing, or otherwise making her stop and notice she is losing control, then by all means, let the rolling begin. I have no problem with that.
the meeting- the bad stuff part 1
Posted by dragonflymama Labels: communication, events, mother, stepmother
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9 comments:
I'm just going to throw this out there BUT why don't you and the King get a joint email account. I had to do that when killjoy decided to "narc" on me. Now hubby and I both have access to all emails and we sign all of our emails from both of us, from hubby and me.
You know guys and they forget to forward emails all the time. This way you will get the emails when he gets them.
From there it has become our family email account. All the bills are sent there and all the emails from school, sporting teams and anything else K-Boy related. It works great for us.
I'm in a really bad place right now with killjoy and I really want to be happy for you and your talk but I just don't see her changing.
Now I am being the killjoy :( Sorry but it has happened so many times with him and fugly and it hasn't worked out. You need to do what is best for you and your family, what Vold's reaction will be in not your problem.
Thanks serendipitous. You know, several people have suggested what you did, and I think we could try it. I am just not sure that voldy would even send emails to that account.
And don't worry about trying to be happy about our talk. I certainly am not! I think there were some positive things to come from it, but overall, I have to agree with you, voldy is not planning on changing, unless we force her to. I do not at all expect great things to come from this one meeting. The best part about it is the sense of empowerment I have of late. I feel confident and strong, which in turn makes her fear me more. Sad, but true.
I don't think she came to listen to your point of view...only to convince you how wrong YOUR point of view is.
I think the idea of a joint email is a great idea. Eliminate or change your hubby's and do not give her his new email acct. The fewer options the better. Sad, but you have to what you need to do.
For awhile we tried the communication between me and the BM because all conversations with my husband ended up w/ her screaming, swearing and hanging up. Well, it didn't last long between the two of us either because unless I agreed with everything she said or wanted to do, she would start with the vulgar name calling of me as well.
I am glad you are feeling empowered and strong. Obviously you and your husband will need to be...otherwise be "steamrolled" by her one and only way. (How ammusing that she accused YOU of steamrolling HER)
I'm still just amazed that you had the courage to meet with her. Can't imagine what Part 2 might reveal.
You can't control her not using the family email but just show her that is the email the two of you are using. Have hubby forward all her emails to the family email and reply from there. It is time to take a stand.
I am soo happy that you feel empowered by all of this. There is no reason you should not be involved in what decisions happen at your house with your stepdaughter :)
I almost forgot...killjoy sent me an email and told me I was steamrolling him LOL they all use the same words!!!
I agree with serendipitous8. We use an email address that is joint and used for communicating with the ex only. The name comes across as BOTH of us, not just him and not just me. No matter what both names are on there for every email...
While I hope that she can be more understanding about you being involved, she sounds like she still isn't going to be all for it. BUT you did your part and tried to clear a path for it to be easy, that is all that you can do. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did!!
I just thought of something...use gmail. That is what we have. I just uploaded the court orders on to our account. That way hubby can see what the court order specifically states if he is helping me write an email. Also we use the calendar for all family things.
It was something bad that turned into something good. Getting joint email has helped us so much.
She'll have to send her emails to whatever email address you give her, if you make it clear you're closing the ones she already has.
I have no idea why this woman is the way she is - I communicate with my daughter's stepmom on a regular basis. For years, her dad would say things like - send all inquiries to the social director, as a joke, but it was true. She was always the one that knew their schedules, he forgets things or is too busy. She has always been the one who does pick ups and drop offs, the only one who showed up for the school play my daughter had a lead roll in (besides myself of course). I don't always find her methods appealing, and I certainly don't always see eye to eye with the way she treats my daughter, but she's much more aware of what's going on in my daughter's life than her dad. It's just easier to deal with it through her than to never get a response from the "too busy" dad. This is our child's life, she'll be 18 in a few short years, too little time to spend it arguing semantics.
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