I'm am getting on a plane in a few hours, but have a little time this morning to tell you what is happening on the stepmama front, and ask for your consideration and advice over the weekend while I am away.
Last weekend, due to the incident about the baby blanket, and voldemort getting more of our time with Buttercup, I lost my shit with the King. We had a huge blowout, and it seems that recent events have led the King and I to be in different places regarding how to deal with, co-parent with, and survive life with voldemort.
Voldemort seems to have made some amends with the King, and he with her. They have had several respectful conversations recently. Ones where the King was actually allowed to criticize some of voldemort's parenting choices and religious control, and she was able to hear it and not get angry. Perhaps even accept her mistakes. It turns out the death of her baby might have opened her eyes wide to the damage that she has done to her living child AND her relationship with us. Both she and the King seem to have come to a place of wanting to forget the past, start over, and play nice this time.
Of course in the past 2 months, the King and I have been overly generous, accomodating, nice, helpful, and kind to voldemort and her sorry life. She has seen this kindness as we have given up much time with Buttercup to allow their family time to grieve and heal their loss. She has felt this kindness in our flexibility over exchanged days and in the King's offer that she not have to give us "make-up" days for all those extras we gave her. She has experienced this kindness through my allowing her to be in my home with her sick child, and our offering of her to have the child more while she was ill. Generally, voldemort has come out on top of the "days" game. So as most normal people would, she feels grateful (though she has not stated such to me), and perhaps her own bad feelings from the past have subsided. It seems she feels able to be flexible and accomodating towards us and our requests (few as they are).
The King, for his part does not want to live in a situation that is so painful, so angry, so terrible anymore. Since our finalized court proceedings 2 years ago he has let go and healed his anger towards voldemort. His need for legal equal time with his daughter was seen and granted by the court. He was vindicated. And wants to move on.
Pettigrew too, seems to have disappeared into the background. He does not participate in most dealings over the child. He lost his cool a year ago, and has not wanted to be involved in co-parenting since. He most certainly loves Buttercup and participates in her life when she is there, but it seems as if he too has turned his focus elsewhere.
Which leaves me. Sitting here, angry, frustrated, tired, and for whatever reason unable to forgive. I feel victimized, ignored, walked on, and displaced. Since day one, I have done everything in my power to help the King, to support him, to assist him in fighting voldemort in their separation agreement in court in life for equal rights in parenting his daughter. I have followed his lead of the mood of the battle. I also came into their family world innocent, willing, hopeful, wanting to do the right thing by the King, by Buttercup, and yes, even by voldemort as the birth mother. And since day one I have received nothing but negativity and anger and hatred directed at me from voldemort. I offer to discuss the child getting a hamPster, and am corrected for my spelling. I offer to care for the child when the King is at work, and am denounced for being controlling. I participate in the child's life and am repeatedly told that I have no legal standing in it and should bugger off. I say that I love the child am accused of telling people I am her birth mother. I stand up for my rights and am told that I have none.
Maybe I am not as Buddha like as the King, but I need an apology. A big fat, huge apology for being treated so incredibly poorly. For not being gotten to know and welcomed in to their lives. For being discounted, used, and ignored for 5 fucking years. For loving this sweet dear child and doing all I can to protect, help, support, and love her and being treated like a villain for doing so. And then maybe, maybe I could consider moving on, letting go, allowing. I guess after year after year of it being implied, suggested, overtly said, and argued vehemently that I do not count when it comes to Buttercup, it is pretty damn hard for me to believe that suddenly voldemort is accepting of and wanting me in the child's life, in the way that I want to be. As an equal, responsible, loving PARENT to her.
It seems we have come to a strange new place. One that I cannot fully understand. One where the King wants me to be flexible and kind to voldemort to preserve the peace for his sake. One that years ago I held out hope for, but voldemort's evilness towards me has erased a chance of.
It is with this confusion and heaviness that I head to the airport with Peanut to get on a plane to visit my family and celebrate the life of my aunt. It is a time full of sadness.
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7 comments:
I don't know if this helps, but I (almost) regularly contemplate leaving my steplife for very similar reasons as yours. My husband cried on my shoulder during his divorce, asked me not to get mad or raise a fuss when his ex-wife didn't want me to have anything to do with the children, lied to the school district about my existence to make his ex-wife happy at kindergarten registration and now travels the world for work 100% of the time leaving me to raise his kids. When he calls and takes his anger out on me for things that are out of my control it takes everything inside of me to not pack up a bag and get the hell out of dodge.
Good for you for getting yourself out of the picture for a bit. Get some fresh perspective and send us all a postcard from your fabulous location :-) And most of all, take care of yourself first. Because if you don't, no one else will.
I'm not married yet and I too have felt these frustrations. Although it's only been a year granted, I've needed to step away a couple of times. I wish I could give you some great answer, but in the end it's up to do what you will do. No one can force Voldy to apologize or to even fake apologize. And would you even want a fake apology? Has the King acknowledged this injustice toward you? Could part of the problem be that he hasn't acknowledged it either. Maybe he needs to apologize too.
I hope that you find some clarity and are able to celebrate your aunts life despite the crappyness going on right now. Take Care!
Maybe it's time to have another talk with Voldy yourself. It seems a little unbelievable that she would suddenly want you to be part of the "family", but death changes people, especially the death of a child. You may never get the apology you are hoping for, but that doesn't mean that you can't move on, and enjoy a more cooperative Voldy, as long as you are treated respectfully by her from now on. Holding onto negative feelings is hurting you more than it is her.
Have a safe trip. I'm sorry you have so much to deal with right now.
Perhaps losing a child has softened voldy to the point where she's willing to listen and reevaluate the situation. Who knows if this is a permanent change, but at least she is trying to play nice for the moment. Peace is a rare commodity in stepfamilies, and even if you never get that much-deserved apology, it's beneficial for everyone involved if voldy is being cooperative. Don't twist the situation around and make King into a villain - he is just as tired of voldy's shit as you are. Can you blame him for wanting some peace? Finally?
You and King recognize the amazing impact you have made on raising buttercup. You don't need voldy's acknowledgement to be a good stepmom.
I agree with Aunt Juicebox - harboring these hard feelings for voldy is hurting you more than it's hurting her. You need to forgive and let it go.
I keep hearing the same advice rolling around in my head -- the only person you can change is yourself, the only person you can change is yourself...
Easy to say. Nearly eight years have gone by. Almost every time I meet with my therapist she reminds me, the only person I can change is myself.
So I'm slowly letting go of the expectation that any wrongs I feel have been done to me will ever be acknowledged by the wrong-doers. And those wrongs will continue to happen. And there's nothing I can do about it except to change how I react to it. Because the only person I can change is myself...
ugh.
be safe.
I go through these feelings too, fairly often. And I ponder leaving my life sometimes. But then I know the pain I would feel from being separated from the kids, who I love so very much.
I don't know the answer, other than as other posters have said, maybe it is to just heal ourselves and not expect anything from anyone. But Hubby's and Kings aren't just anyone, we should expect from them. They should appreciate what we do to make their raising of the children easier, they should understand that it's hard to be in the place where you have no rights in anyone's eyes and yet you are doing all you can for those people. I don't know how to not get hurt by their lack of appreciation, but I know that I too have to find a way.
Take this time for you and peanut, and spend it with your family celebrating your aunt and try not to think about all the stuff back home for now.
Reading your post really hits home, stepfamily life is never easy and I understand your feelings of anger, hurt, and resentment. Those feelings are completely just but as previous comments have said, this anger you have is hurting you the most. It is not easy to let go, I am still working on my end as well but in time her new found niceness will still be around and you will trust that behavior more. My PEG has started acting super nice as well, with no major change other then her having surgery and it pisses me off we should suddenly just roll with it because she finally decided to get with the program. Its really hard to complete let go of the past, of the rudeness. It sucks, even if it was what you had hoped for, it does not make it easy.
So sorry you are going through all of this, glad you are able to get away and be with your family. Even though it is on sad terms I think it is exactly what you needed.
Keep us posted.
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